Friday, April 09, 2004
Sometimes I hate it when I rememeber my dreams.
Some background: a little over a year ago my Grandfather died after losing the battle with lung cancer he been fighting for about six months. Since hes always been pretty healthy, when he developed a pretty bad cough that persisted it took a while before he went to a doctor and while he did pretty well with the radiation and chemo, it just wasnt enough. Last year at Passover was pretty rough with my grandfather being gone and my father leading the service, and while this year was a little better there was still a marked absence at the table. I think I did a pretty OK job at home and at the second seder I was invited to, but the head of the table there was a lot like Grandpa in some ways and it was pretty sweetly sad and I spent part of the service paying no attention to what was going on just thinking. Also, my grandmother died when I was little, and my grandfather remarried when I was about 10 to this pretty incredible woman. I remember a little of Daddy talking about Grandpa's Lady Friend with capitals and going over to her house to make Christmas Cookies and stuff before they got married and I may be the only grandkid on that side that does.
So this dream. Its been raining all week, but sunny today and I am home for the funeral. The service goes nicely with people saying nice/sad things about him and then we leave for the interrment and things go bad. First I am in really high heels and we can walk over to the graveyard, but it is about a quarter mile and part of it is on this wet, soggy grass and I keep getting my heels stuck. Then since it is so soggy, they have temporarily buried him on this little hill and are going to move him later on when the ground is a little drier. Of course we decided that we want to put the flowers we brought (pink roses I think) on the actual spot where he will be buried so we go off looking for it, except the graveyard is not what I remember or the tree I used to use as a guidepost to my grandmother's is gone (they bought side-by-side plots) and there are these little creeks all over the place that are wearing down into the ground and they are so new there are no bridges yet and we jump across one except that my mom falls in. So I go down to try to help her and as I am reaching for her hand I see my grandmothers grave and next to it, where my grandfather should go, is this damn creek.
Finally we got everything straightend out (don't ask me how, this is a dream, remember?) and we are back at my parents house for coffee and tea and J, my grandfathers 2nd wife, is sitting down in a chair crying and asks for a washcloth to wipe her face with and I go looking for one, and I can only find these dirty ones that look like they were snot rags for little kids and then I woke up crying.
Some background: a little over a year ago my Grandfather died after losing the battle with lung cancer he been fighting for about six months. Since hes always been pretty healthy, when he developed a pretty bad cough that persisted it took a while before he went to a doctor and while he did pretty well with the radiation and chemo, it just wasnt enough. Last year at Passover was pretty rough with my grandfather being gone and my father leading the service, and while this year was a little better there was still a marked absence at the table. I think I did a pretty OK job at home and at the second seder I was invited to, but the head of the table there was a lot like Grandpa in some ways and it was pretty sweetly sad and I spent part of the service paying no attention to what was going on just thinking. Also, my grandmother died when I was little, and my grandfather remarried when I was about 10 to this pretty incredible woman. I remember a little of Daddy talking about Grandpa's Lady Friend with capitals and going over to her house to make Christmas Cookies and stuff before they got married and I may be the only grandkid on that side that does.
So this dream. Its been raining all week, but sunny today and I am home for the funeral. The service goes nicely with people saying nice/sad things about him and then we leave for the interrment and things go bad. First I am in really high heels and we can walk over to the graveyard, but it is about a quarter mile and part of it is on this wet, soggy grass and I keep getting my heels stuck. Then since it is so soggy, they have temporarily buried him on this little hill and are going to move him later on when the ground is a little drier. Of course we decided that we want to put the flowers we brought (pink roses I think) on the actual spot where he will be buried so we go off looking for it, except the graveyard is not what I remember or the tree I used to use as a guidepost to my grandmother's is gone (they bought side-by-side plots) and there are these little creeks all over the place that are wearing down into the ground and they are so new there are no bridges yet and we jump across one except that my mom falls in. So I go down to try to help her and as I am reaching for her hand I see my grandmothers grave and next to it, where my grandfather should go, is this damn creek.
Finally we got everything straightend out (don't ask me how, this is a dream, remember?) and we are back at my parents house for coffee and tea and J, my grandfathers 2nd wife, is sitting down in a chair crying and asks for a washcloth to wipe her face with and I go looking for one, and I can only find these dirty ones that look like they were snot rags for little kids and then I woke up crying.
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